Daily+Quotes


 * 1) My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women. - Woody Allen
 * 2) The difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
 * 3) My family was so poor they couldn't afford kids. The lady next door had me. -- Lee Trevino
 * 4) The early bird may get the worm, but I'd rather sleep in and have toaster muffins. - Shirley Lipner
 * 5) What do you get when you cross a skunk with a boomerang? (A smell you can't get rid of.)
 * 6) If law school is so tough to get through, how come there are so many lawyers? - Calvin Trillin
 * 7) The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. - Jay Leno
 * 8) I admit it: I'm a hypochondriac. But I manage to control it with a placebo. - Dennis Miller
 * 9) It takes more brains and effort to make out the income-tax form than it does to make the income. - Alfred E. Neumann
 * 10) You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. - Bob Hope
 * 11) An optimist is someone who tells you to cheer up when things are going his way.
 * 12) Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
 * 13) If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment. -Dave Allen
 * 14) Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. -Bill Cosby
 * 15) I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack. - Demetri Martin
 * 16) Knock Knock. Who's there? Isabel. Isabel who? Isabel not working?
 * 17) Having children is like having a bowling alley in your brain. - Martin Mull
 * 18) If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
 * 19) I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. - Gilda Radner
 * 20) I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles. - G.K. Chesterton
 * 21) Why do firefighters have Dalmatians? (To help them find the fire hydrants.)
 * 22) Marriage is the sole cause of divorce. - Groucho Marx